A little late this month, but now we can finally present this month's letters to Jeff Roe. No-Fi "Magazine", it's publishers, owners, editors, writers [including Jeff Roe] and pets take no responsibility for opinions stated in this feature). Anyway, once again, here is "Jeff Roe's World of Whimsical Wonder". Feel free to mail Jeff with your questions concerning love, sex, dating, and what's on second.
• From Tony
Dear Jeff,
I'm trying to find the club "Cacahuete" that's listed in your March/April concert calendar.İİAny help would be greatly greatly greatly appreciated.İİThanks in advance,
Tony
• From "DOOTYDOOTY"
Where the heck is the Cacahuete club?
• From Jon Caligiuri
Hip zine, gangster.İ I've just started checking it out recently.İ Anyway, look what's the deal with this pixies show?İ Are we talking Spaceland?İ The Echo?İ What's with all this Cacahuete cryptology?
-Jon
• From Alex K. Rider
Hi,
I know you have probably gotten a billion emails, but PLEASE tell me where this club is at!! THANKS SO MUCH...
• From Tony (Again)
Dear Jeff,
unless it's just a sadistic, sick joke you MUST know something about this secret
show.
can you take solace on a HUGE HUGE HUGE fan and throw me a bone?İ i won't tell
anyone..İ i swear.
the idea of missing this possible secret show is killing me.İ literally.
İ
i'll be your best friend, and donate to your zine..İ :)
Tony
• From "SCOLIOCIOUSNESS"
Hi, you probably have a form letter prepared in response to this as I imagine a lot of people have written in.İ Where is Cacahuete and/or does it count as an April Fool's Day joke if it was posted long before April 1st?İ Thanks.
We've gotten several questions from people looking for this club. Their website isn't very informative. It took some phone wrangling, but here are the directions the guy gave over the phone:
Take La Cienega north to Venice and turn left. Go down until Abbot Kinney and make a right at the gas station. Turn left at Navy, right on Main, then right on Marine. Take Marine to 26th place and make a left at the green house with the white picket fence.İKeep going until a raggedy old homeless guy tries to clean your windshield (you may have to tryİbanging around inside trash binsİif he's not out and about). Make a right and keep going until you hit Ohio. Turn left and keep going until you hit a dead end. Across the street is a pay phone. Call the number for "a good time" written on the side and ask for Ed. If a woman answers, then the club isn't open tonight and you should try some other time. If a man answers, say "O salami in Miami is origami on rye." He will give you an address for aİclosed down warehouse with blue Christmas lights strung around the outside. The doorman will ask what time it is. Respond by yelling "It's showtime!" and he'll let you in. Tickets are usually $41 dollars per person. Enjoy the show.
Actually the sad awful cruel terrible hideous thoughtless deceitful unkind truth of the matter is that AS FAR AS WE KNOW, there is no Pixies warm-up show at The Cacahuete. In fact, as far as we know, there is no club called The Cacahuete (which is French for "Peanut") in L.A.. This was an April Fools joke we played in the No-Fi "Concert Calendar" this month. (In fact there was a scrambled hint in the concert calendar 15 days prior to the 1st of April in the April 17th slot) This sad excuse for a "joke" harkens back to a horrible April Fools joke played on Chris Beyond by his father who told him that there was a Smiths reunion somewhere in Hollywood. Sorry for the permanent harm and pain this may have caused. We actually wish that it was true too. BUT we do get to see them at Coachelle for real, right? (For those of you who wrote in about this, we have a little something special for you to try to make up for it!)
• From "Silly Lil Vintage Girl"
So I have just started birth control for the first time. I'm on the patch, and i've only had it on for about 3 days, yet i've become super emotional (which I hardly ever am), and I feel that this can ruin my relationship with 
my boyfriend. I heard that it can take 3 months to get use to the hormones circulating around, and then i'll be more in control with the birth control side effects. Is that true? Sometimes being a girl sucks!
Finally, one of you admits it: "...being a girl sucks." 'Bout time. See? Misogyny rules supreme-O!
So you're worried about becoming super-emotional for three months. As opposed to the usual highly-emotional?İIt's likely that theİ"super" emotions you are experiencing resultedİfrom the realization that youİchose to turn your back on the only natural courseİfor a worthyİlady and to kill the childİyou and your boyfriend should have had, even if it is a bastard. But if you choose to use baby-killers, at least you're owning up to the brood mare's responsibility to provide "protection." I'm sure your emotional state will return to its hysterical womanly normİwhen you learn to live with your murderous decision...or by the next cycle. Whichever comes first.
• From Stasia Bray
Dear Jeff,
My boyfriend is in New York until the summer, and I am in San Diego. We have tried several different ways of keeping our selves "entertained" while we are apart, BUT we're running out of patience, lube, and ideas. Any suggestions?
(feel free to give as much detail as possible)
Troya
Stasia Bray
Well, for starters, have you ever considered hooking? You can get you're groove on and make a nice chunk of change on the side. If you only do it for a few months, it's unlikely that you'll get any diseases or beat up by a psycho john.İBut if you're commited to the whole long-distance monogamy thing, assuming that you'reİtired ofİthe usual phone sex/mutual masturbation/auto-erotic asphyxiation scene, then try the following:
1. Anal fisting.
It's something neither of you are likely to let the other partner do to you, so takeİadvantage of your distance to try a sex act that, judging by the e-mails from xikjh3342a@yahoo.comİI get 
every day, almost all girls try it at least once in their lives. So join the party. And if you don't like it, I'm sure it'll turn you off of sex until the summer at least. Problem solved.
2. Webcam shows.
With a small investment in technology, show your long-distance stud just what he has to look forward to, while he can do the same. Maybe even turn a profit, if you know what I mean.*İ
3. Bestiality.
Also popular among the internet crowd. Apparantly, Fido can't wait to give you the good ass-pounding both you and your boyfriend deserve, so why not let him? If Rover seems a bit reluctant to tend to your every sexual need, I understand that a dab of peanut butter in the right place can help lead you to technically monogamous sexual fulfillment. And by "the right place," I mean your cooter.
*I mean charging anonymous people on the internet money to watch you masturbate on their computers in the comfort of their own home/office.
Any more questions? Bring it on. Jeff's ready for you. WRITE HIM and ask away! Do you have problems with the opposite sex? The same sex? Your own sex? Lack of sex? Too much? Roommate troubles? Health concerns? Ask Mr. Roe and if he doesn't know the answer, he'll at least make something up that sounds halfway good (or totally not).
