AMAZON WARRIOR
starring J.J. Rodgers, Jimmy Jerman, Chris Lydon, directed by Dennis Devine, , 1997
distributed by Cinematrix Releasing
Video Reviewed by Chris Beyond


After the last World War, men and women have reverted to a pre-dark ages state where men and Amazon Women battle endlessly until all but one of the Amazon Women are killed. This lone Amazon Women, who is illiterate as the film keeps hammering home to you, hires herself out to the highest bidder as a sword for hire. In her quest for revenge, will she finally catch up with the man who killed her mother and tribe? I'll spare you the story details. Trust me, you don't care.

One interesting thing is that even though this is supposed to be set after World Ward III, it's interesting that women are still able to get bad boob jobs. Perhaps the likelihood of having a bad boob job is much more likely in a post WWIII world, but my point is how are people able to get them at all? Also is this film set in the Amazon? It's always weird when women swordfighters are always described as Amazon Warriors.

While this wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, it's still not that great a film. The beginning of the film is especially bad. We're talking, "Hey Ethel, I just bought a video camera so let's make a movie" bad. I think the star of this movie was in Beverly Hills 90210 or some tv show I've seen before as a guest star or girlfriend of the month. To be frank she seems a little above the rest of the cast, quality-wise.

(Chris Beyond is the creator of No-Fi "Magazine"
and can't always get into these sword and sandal flicks)


SEARCHING FOR WOODEN WATERMELONS
starring Wendy English, Chad Safar, Dixie Tucker, directed by Bryan Goldsworthy, , 2003
distributed by Vanguard Cinema
Video Reviewed by Chris Beyond


Fresh out of college a country girl named Jude can't decide if she should leave town to follow her dreams of being a comedy writer in Hollywood or stay home and whine about it constantly as she does for the full 86 minutes of the film to take care of her mom, who she doesn't get along with, and her grandparents. Things get complicated once her grandparents both have heart attacks and her mother shuts down emotionally. Eventually as I watched the film I wanted to rip out my own eyes and throw them at the screen.

This probably wasn't a movie for me. Sure we all have our dreams of becoming comedy writers in Hollywood...or better yet, Silverlake. This seemed like an attempt at playing to the Fried Green Tomatoes crowd. And if you remember that movie, you know what I'm talking about. Now add even more older people, but less-to-no action or story and you pretty much have this film. I don't mean "action" in an action movie sense. I mean this film is so slow that it will drive you insane. This is the film that In The Mouth Of Madness warned us about. This is a film painted with one color and acted in such a monotone way that I started spilling U.S. government secrets that I didn't even know I knew.

But hey, the star and writer of this film made a movie. What are you doing?

(Chris Beyond is the creator of No-Fi "Magazine"
and still has his eyes in his eye sockets)