La Casa De Lettuce: The Column

La Casa De Lettuce: The Column

Awww, look at all the American flags everywhere! Sure, you might be saying, ever since 9.11.01 there have been American flags EVERYWHERE... but seeing as how the anniversary came up, there have been even more flags... people seem to have just doubled their collection of the damn things! You might say "isn't it so nice to see such a display of patriotism!" No! Call me a commie, but I don't believe that waving a flag will end terrorism, do you? Yelling at the top of our lungs "kill Osama" isn't going to do that either! So, why does everyone do it? Maybe because they see people doing it and Mrs. Soccer Mom has to be on the top of the game because if her soccer brat son's friends see a flag-less mini-van, they will make fun of her poor little chimpanzee...err...brat. Right? Right! I do not wish to have my mind controlled inside a prison made up of "stars and bars!"

Enough!
Enough!
Enough!

Put those excess flags to use!
a list by lettuce

What to do with all those excess flags cluttering up the landscape...

1. Use as screen/propellent in your "glass flower" crackpipe. Just cut off little pieces each time you flare up! (hence the reason this month's column was more than just a little late)

2. Clothing... perfect material for shorts, hats, condoms, cows, and sheep.

3. Use it to cover the outside of your car's speaker box... unless you have already sold it for crack.

4. Good kindling to for the fireplace when winter strikes. Sure it's a long ways away, but why not start preparing early.

5. Use it as a tarp for household fix-ups.

6. It's absorbant. Need I say more?

7. Camping? Out of toilet paper? Oh no! Oh, you have a couple of flags laying around? Oh goodie goodie goodie, your cheeks shall be clean!

8. Are you on fire? Put the flag around you in a weak attempt to smother the flames. Since you aren't allowed to burn them, somebody is sure to put your flames.

9. Shower curtain?

10. Put afore mentioned flag around your shoulders like a cape... run around yelling at the top of your lungs that you are the "Amazing Flying Defender of Democracy." Did I mention that you should wear nothing but the flag while performing this stunt? (i.e. nekked)

THE END...OR IS IT?!? Lettuce!