BOXX IT UP
by roger boxx
Fuck Sears! Go to Hell Wal-mart! Suck it, Best-Buy! Eat me, Mervins! Damn J.C. Penny and the horse they rode in on!
I avoid all unnecessary human interaction by sitting in front of the late-night television with telephone and credit card in hand. The idiot-box hosts a smorgasbord of paid programming offering the finest merchandise. Appliances. Diet systems. Exercise equipment. Master-memory courses. Increased brain power. Fortune telling. Hair removal and extension. Skin care products. Get-rich-quick instruction packets. Wild-young-ladies videos. Party-lines. Mating organizations. These are all products and services that I have come to expect from my years of late night shopping excursions. Recently, I was thrown for a loop by something I was not previously aware that I needed. Never in my wildest cosmetic dreams, did I imagine something so glorious.
For years, films, television, and magazines have helped me realize how pitiful and inadequate my physical appearance must be. But until now, I was not aware of all of the aspects of my appearance I should be concerned about.
Did you know that there is an excellent chance you have ugly eyebrows? Many people have lived their entire lives unaware of the grotesque follicle patterns staining their unsightly faces. Bring It Up, Inc. has arrived to graciously let us know how concerned we should be about the shape of our eyebrows. Not to fear, they are also willing to help with our revoltingness. In the past, the avant-garde, those few aware of eyebrow expectations, have shaved off their eyebrows and painted false ones in their absence. It is no longer necessary for us to shave off our natural hair, thanks to Bring It Up; we can simply redirect our brows. We must all thank our lucky-stars that we live in this fabulous hi-tech age where this type of hyper-awareness and miracle-solution technology is available. Bring It Up offers tools that can manipulate the skin on our foreheads and re-position our eyebrows. Oh yeah! You read this correctly. With a simple network of several, strategically placed "invisible" levers and pulleys hidden in your scalp, and reaching down your forehead, you can combat your repulsiveness. Amazing! While I am still waiting the obligatory 6-8 weeks for delivery, and cannot offer my personal testimonial, the models on the infomercial demonstrated how effective this virtually painless procedure could be. The late-night program made the results appear to be amazing! Rescheduling a few hours into your grooming schedule for application and later removal is all it takes to have gorgeous eyebrows.
I can't wait until my kit arrives and people begin stopping me on my way to get empenadas to say, "Holy shit! What dazzling eyebrows you have. Will you kiss my baby?"
Don't rush off to order yet. There's more. Not only has Bring It Up made enormous strides on behalf of the facially impaired, but they have also expanded their technology to aid with ugly necks and disgusting breasts. By enlarging the "invisible" system of levers and pulleys, Bring It Up has made it possible for us to restructure our bodies without the inconveniences of plastic surgery. Reminiscent of the sadomasochistic undergarments of the French romantic period, everyone can re-sculpt and reshape what biology has given them. Don't let your body screw you over any longer (figuratively; it is alright to let your body screw you over literally everybody does it and nobody goes blind, despite what they say) take control of your unsightliness by watching late night programming until you have the opportunity to order your own Bring It Up Starter-Kit. Someone told me pretty people have more sex. I will report back in 6 to 8 weeks and let you know if that is true.
Thanks to the modern science of this new millennium, we can all afford the firm tits, taught jowls, and exquisite eyebrows nature never intended for us. My drooping unibrow will no longer hinder my vision. My engorged goiter will cease to tilt my head at a constant forty-five degree tilt. No longer will my nipples brush against my belly. It is almost enough to make one begin to believe there is a God laughing down at us.
(Roger Boxx is a contributing writer for No-Fi "Magazine" and has broken all the mirrors in his house since researching this story.)
