NO-FI "MAGAZINE"
presents
FILMS FOR THINKING PEOPLE!
THE CAT O' NINE TAILS
starring Karl Malden, James Franciscus, directed by Dario Argento, Rated GP, 1971
DVD Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
I love almost all of Dario Argento's films (and plan to review some of them in the coming months), but for some reason I couldn't get into this one. Sure, there are some neat killing scenes, but there is SOOOOOOO much talk in this one that I had a hard time just trying to stay awake. "Is there a killer out there?" "Yes there is a killer out there." "Are you the killer?" "No." "Are you?" "Nope." "Where is the killer?" "I don't know. Do YOU know where the killer is?" "Nope. Let's discuss this for another 90 minutes or so." Those aren't direct quotes, but they may as well be. Anyway, it's not a bad film at all, but only get this one if you have tons of caffeine nearby. Or better yet, take a note from another Dario Argento film "Opera" and tape needles under your eyelids to force them open. Oh, and don't expect to see a cat with nine tails and a sharp jagged spine like on the poster art. This is a cat of nine tails in the figurative sense. Oh and (like many of Dario's films) this film was filmed in English, but is also dubbed in English. You go figure that out. I guess nobody wanted Americans to hear any trace of any Italian accents that we would have heard were it not dubbed. The DVD has a documentary on the film and lots of trippy psychedelic trailers for you to enjoy too after you wake up.
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and has two cats with a tail a' piece.)
reviews from August 2002
BATTLE ROYALE
(Tartan NTSC version region 0)
starring Beat Takashi, Fujiwara Tatsuya, Yamamoto Taro, and Ando Masanobu
directed by Fukasaku Kinji, 
Rating , 2001
DVD Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
In Japan a law is passed in order to deal with the overcrowding of schools and the teenage delinquency problem. The Battle Royale act allows one class every year to be chosen at random to be sent to a deserted island where they are fitted with explosive collars and find out that they have three days to kill each other off with whatever weapons they are given at random (some kids are given machine guns, some grenades, and some are lucky enough to get binoculars, pot lids and paper fans) and by whatever means possible.
Think Lord Of The Flies meets Goonies meets Reservoir Dogs.
I was lucky enough to see this film on the big screen in London last year in a tiny, yet ornate, theatre. It's a good thing I did, because it seems that this film may never get an American distributor for theatrical release or possibly even DVD release (due to it's theme involving kids with guns). So Tartan Video in Europe decided to take matters into their own hands (and thus making a good business decision as far as I'm concerned) and just released a Region 0 version just for NTSC DVD players. Basically U.S. DVD players run on a video system called NTSC while European video and DVD players run on the PAL system, I cannot explain this any further than that. So we ordered this through amazon.com's UK version of the site and it arrived in about a week. Yay!
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I can not ask you to hunt down this DVD and buy it enough. (Make sure that you get the version I just described for our U.S. readers.) If we rated films on a 1 to 10 scale it would definitely be a strong 10. It's not just because of the obvious violence involved. The camerawork, music score, acting, and cinematography couldn't be any better. There is actually a strange sweetness underneath all the carnage. All those old school rivalries you remember from school turn deadly in this situation with kids going after their own classmates from reasons like jocks versus nerds to ex-girlfriends facing up against the "new" girlfriends. (The tag-line of the film is "Could you kill your best friend?") Very strange stuff and it actually has a message, but it makes you wait until the end and if you blink you just might miss it, BUT DON'T YOU MISS IT! Seriously, you'll thank me for it later. Go for it!
Here's a link to it! Run!
RUN!!!
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and could not kill his best friend.)
ELVIRA'S HAUNTED HILLS
starring Cassandra Peterson and Richard O'Brien
directed by Sam Irvin, Rated R, 2002
Film Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
This is closer to the movie that her original "Elvira: Mistress Of The Dark" should have been. A true modern "burlesque" film, this film is filled with purposely corny jokes, cheesy sets, purposely bad acting, and lots and lots and lots of boob jokes and cleavage flashing.
In a good move, this film in set in the 1800s with Elvira as a traveling cabaret performer hitching rides in the countryside with her hefty servant from town to town until she gets a ride from a gentleman who takes her to his cursed castle (as always tends to happen in those spooky films). Soon she meets the wacky cast of characters that reside behind its walls including Richard O'Brien (Riff Raff in The Rocky Horror Picture Show) and his weird looking unfunny sickly niece, and his new wife (played by a reject from Mad TV).
The Good: It's nice to see Elvira on the big screen again. She's a much better character than the scripts she gets. Her valley-girl-like chessy jokes are well in character and she commands the screen (which isn't so hard with the casts she has surrounded herself with). The sets are surprisingly pretty good and harken back to the Hammer Horror films of the 60s and 70s. A few more shadows and cobwebs here and there would have made them perfect.
The Bad: Most of the rest of the cast are really annoying and rarely funny. There are actually a bunch of really funny lines and moments, but most of them come from Elvira herself and also from a stable boy who was dubbed really badly for comic effect. The script just needed a good punching up to get it to where it (and the audience) wanted to go. Still I'd rather see a million screenings of this film before I see any film starring Mandy Moore or the soon-to-be-washout Britney Spears. Oh, and this film employs the ol' "speeding up the film" to make a scene funny, but it really would have been better without it. The lady playing the neice was just kind of uncomfortable to watch. The low point of the film was towads the end when Elvira commented on how they could've afforded to make a particular visual effect and, to be honest, the effect was just a very very lo-tech computer effect. Still with a better script, this could have been a great film instead of just a good-to-ok film. I think she should try to do another film really soon. (Hey Elvira, I'll even write it for you!)
So to sum up, I can definitely recommend this for a midnight screening (check the Elvira website at www.elvira.com to see when it's coming to your town.) They are touring it around kinda like a band (and much like the roadshow pictures from the 50s through 70s) and they definitely need your support to pay for it as it is totally independent. If you can't see it on the big screen, wait for the DVD or video and check it out then. It's worth it, but I wish it was able to go a little further than it did.
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and is Ok with Elvira's chest. Woo!)
THE NOTORIOUS C.H.O.
starring Margaret Cho, directed by Lorene Machado, Rated R, 2002
Film Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
When you see this concert film, you will learn waaaaay more about Margaret Cho's sexual life than you could ever even imagine. Seriously, she tells you things about her lower regions that you probably can't even imagine are possible...especially from the star of the ill-fated sitcom "All American Girl". If you saw her last film "I'm The One That I Want" (and if you haven't, it's time to make use of that rental card tonight) then you already know all about her dive into drug use and eventual comeback into being more comfortable with herself the way she is. In this film she updates you on the state of her life today and (THANKFULLY) without getting into all the "Hey, Remember The 80s" stuff she used to do.
I don't remember if I've ever seen a concert film in an actual movie theatre so it was a little weird watching a stand-up act on the big screen. Luckily she makes it so easy by being so funny. Now one thing you need to know about her act... It is VERY "blue" (For those of you who don't know, that means "very adult in its theme"). You are, pretty much, going to find out exactly what has gone in and, yes, come out of her vagina. If the word vagina is offensive to you than you should probably stay away from this film because you are going to hear much stronger words coming out of her mouth.
It may have been the point to begin with, but this is the film that finally puts her up in the ranks of Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, and George Carlin (and on my own list Dave Chappelle, and David Cross). It's a sad fact that female comedians tend to have a shorter work-life in comedy than men do, but I really think Margaret is going to be around for a long time. She just seems to be getting better and better and the audience sharing the experience in the Los Feliz theatre we saw this in seemed to be enjoying this film even more that I was. Take your special someone to see this one. If they hate it,...time to get a new special someone.
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and is Ok with Margaret Cho's private parts.)
I love almost all of Dario Argento's films (and plan to review some of them in the coming months), but for some reason I couldn't get into this one. Sure, there are some neat killing scenes, but there is SOOOOOOO much talk in this one that I had a hard time just trying to stay awake. "Is there a killer out there?" "Yes there is a killer out there." "Are you the killer?" "No." "Are you?" "Nope." "Where is the killer?" "I don't know. Do YOU know where the killer is?" "Nope. Let's discuss this for another 90 minutes or so." Those aren't direct quotes, but they may as well be. Anyway, it's not a bad film at all, but only get this one if you have tons of caffeine nearby. Or better yet, take a note from another Dario Argento film "Opera" and tape needles under your eyelids to force them open. Oh, and don't expect to see a cat with nine tails and a sharp jagged spine like on the poster art. This is a cat of nine tails in the figurative sense. Oh and (like many of Dario's films) this film was filmed in English, but is also dubbed in English. You go figure that out. I guess nobody wanted Americans to hear any trace of any Italian accents that we would have heard were it not dubbed. The DVD has a documentary on the film and lots of trippy psychedelic trailers for you to enjoy too after you wake up.
