Drive-In Double Feature:
CREATION OF THE HUMANOIDS
Starring Don Megowan, Erica Elliott, George Milan, Dudley Manlove, David Cross
Directed by Wesley E. Barry, 
, 1962
WAR BETWEEN THE PLANETS
aka IL PLANETA ERRANTE
Starring Giacomo Rossi-Stuart, Ombretta Colli, Halina Zalewska
Directed by Antonio Margheriti, , 1966
Distributed by Dark Sky Films
DVD Reviewed by Ryan Lies
This double-feature disc from the wonderfully geeky mavens at Dark Sky Films is, as a lot of double-feature releases are, a mixed-bag. Despite the fact that only one of the flicks on this disc is really worth your time, it's still a nifty package.
Dark Sky has set out to duplicate the Drive-In experience, by offering the viewer the option of watching both films, back-to-back, with plenty of fun filler in between. Just like the old days (yes, I am old enough to remember those old days.) You get trailers for upcoming features (in this case, other Dark Sky releases), and hilariously gauche advertisements for refreshments: pop, hotdogs, popcorn, ice cream. "The second feature will begin shortly. Which means you still have time for a delicious hamburger, and an ice-cold soda! We'll dim the lights and announce when the feature is starting so you can return to your car."
Ah, yes. You can almost smell the grass and exhaust fumes. You can almost feel the pebbles beneath your seat as you run from the "play area" and beg your parents for a box of Goobers. If you have no idea what I'm trying to conjure here with these images, then you're too young to remember going to the drive-in.
I saw plenty of movies at the drive-in, back in the day. Everything from Star Wars and Live and Let Die to E.T. and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (albeit I watched this one on another screen across the way, without sound, as my parents watched something else.) However, I will admit, my drive-in days came at the end of the era, so to speak. So yes, while I am old enough to remember them, and the aura they suffused me with, I am too young to remember the two films in this collection, as they are both science-fiction films from the 60's.
After a few fuzzy-looking ads for pop and popcorn, and a couple of cool trailers, the show begins with the Italian sci-fi snoozer War Between the Planets. You'd think that a movie with a title like that would be exciting, but no, it's nowhere close.
Directed by SCHLOCKingly prolific Antonio Margheriti (here credited as Anthony M. Dawson), War tells an agonizingly bland story about astronauts and scientists desperately trying to save planet Earth from 
another planet, which has somehow found its way into our solar system, and, of course, is heading right for us. A few brave men and women embark on a mission to land on this rogue planet, in attempt to stop it. How? Who knows. I mean, really, it's a damn planet.
Throughout, we're treated to plenty of dramatic tension as astronauts have to go on dangerous spacewalks to... um... do... stuff... and, uh... yeah. The strings are hard to miss as these hapless actors (I mean, adventurers) flail around in front of curtains with holes poked in them (for the stars, see.) And yeah, that's really about it. Once they get to the evil planet, things get a bit more interesting, as they discover this planet may be alive. Or, I think it's a big heart, with tentacles. Or, something like that. Excited, kids?
Margheriti has directed numerous films in numerous genres, and a few of them are actually worth checking out. Cannibal Apocalypse and Yor: Hunter From the Future come to mind. He seems to have liked making "space adventures" cuz he's made a lot of them: Assignment Outer Space and Battle of the Worlds are a couple of other ones you might find lying around; hell, he even made a similar movie with an almost identical title to the one I'm reviewing, War of the Planets, in the same YEAR! They're all pretty much the same movie, and for all know, he made them all at the same time, one GIANT DAMN SPACE ADVENTURE MOVIE and then cut them up into little movies throughout the rest of the 60s. They can, at times, be entertaining, and they're certainly nice to look at, but there's not much to them other than that, and they exemplify the term "time-waster."
Moving onto better things, the second film in this faux Drive-In phantasmagoria is the completely engrossing, although admittedly slow-moving Creation of the Humanoids.
Written by Jay Simms, who wrote a pair of stinker classics, The Giant Gila Monster and The Killer Shrews (he also wrote the uneven yet still compelling Panic In Year Zero!), Creation of the Humanoids is a sober, intelligent film about a future race of robots, derisively referred to as "Clickers" by the humans who don't like them.
The "Clickers," or Humanoids, are slowly evolving to be more like man, and some of the humans don't like this very much. Feeling threatened by these bipedal AIs, they eye them like Nazi's, suspicious of their every move and word. Concurrently, another group of humans see no evil in the robots, and secretly help with their plans. While distrust is certainly to be expected, the motives of the Humanoids are far from malignant. It is this dichotomy that is the crux of the movie.
Creation of the Humanoids is extremely light on action, but heavy on philosophical rumination, and is all the richer for it. SF fans craving the disco-ball spectacle of Logan's Run or the us-vs.-them histrionics of Earth vs. the Flying Saucers will probably find this flick dull. The sober, meditative approach will appeal more to those who appreciated Contact or Colossus: the Forbin Project.
I, for one, found Humanoids quite compelling, almost like reading a book. The obvious racial overtones to the material can be a bit pedantic at times, but if you can brush that aside (I mean, when hasn't SF been a bit pedantic?) then you'll more than likely find this a thought-provoking flick as well.
Dark Sky has a done terrific job with this double-feature. It looks great, and the "drive-in" motif, while silly at times, adds a nice nostalgic touch to the overall viewing experience. It's Creation of the Humanoids that makes this disc a must-have, however, and it's great that fans will now be able to own and appreciate this hitherto obscure gem.
So stock up on your microwave popcorn, fry up a cheeseburger, grab an icy cold Pepsi, and settle yourself in to enjoy these Vision of Tomorrow from yesteryear.
(Ryan Lies is a staffwriter for No-Fi "Magazine" and loves him some robot tang.)
THE MUFFIN MAN
Starring: Chris Ippolito, Allison Lynch, James Ireland
Directed by Blaine Wasylkiw, 2006
Distributed by Dancing Monkey Productions
DVD Reviewed by Ryan Lies
I am now over three decades on this Earth, and when it comes to movies, I should know better. What I mean is that I am mature enough, and wise enough to know that a movie called The Muffin Man is gonna be silly and dumb. And if that selfsame movie is about a demonic serial-killer with a ginormous muffin for a head, well, then I know it's going to be even dumber than its title. Double-dumb all around, and dammit, I should just know better than to actually permit myself to throw it in the DVD player and watch it. Didn't my decades of combing the aisles of every mom and pop video store in town teach me anything? Hadn't those years of climbing over corpses in the geek-filled trenches of Troma and Full Moon tinctured me with something even remotely resembling taste? Hadn't my mommy taught me better?
Obviously not. And so, should I then feel guilty for actually enjoying this cheesy, high-calorie, and patently profligate pastry of a movie?
Hell no. I thought it was great, and better-judgment be damned!
Director Blaine Wasylkiw and writer Anders J. Svenson have concocted a savory little treat here, and if you go into with your brain fully cocked, then it's your fault for not having a hell of a great time.
With tongues firmly in cheek (said cheeks probably stuffed with donuts), Wasylkiw and Svenson tell the ridiculous story of Desmond Bailey, baker and serial-killer extraordinaire. After many years, he has returned to the site of his original slayings, and only Detective Hank Egger (played with surly aplomb by Michael Shepherd) can halt his plans for vengeance.
The Muffin Man clocks in at about 40 minutes, and moves along briskly. The kills are silly and creative, and the Muffin Man himself must be seen to be believed, and even then you may have to rewind a couple of times to fully appreciate the sight your eyes are beholding. When I read on the back of the DVD that the killer had a giant muffin for a head, I figured it was just the filmmakers' hyperbole. Man, was I surprised! The friends I had watching it with me and I sat there either laughing or stunned into silence for like 15 minutes. We just couldn't believe these people had actually carried through with their promise: this dude's muffin-head is effing HUGE!
The Muffin Man goes the Freddy Krueger route and talks to his victims before doing them in. And you just have to hear the stuff that comes out of this diabolical muffin's mouth! In a heavy, demonic voice, he warns that "Fire beetles will nest in your rotted braaaaiiiin!!!" and "Your lungs will burn with sulphur! Your pleas for mercy will be etched on your foreheads with the red-hot blade of suffering!" It's like this cat's been listening to too many DEICIDE albums!
Naturally, being a low-budget, shot on video production, the flick's not without its faults. But, hey, I've actually made a movie myself, so I know how difficult it is to work with what little you have, and the crew here does a pretty good job given their limitations. My only real criticism would be that there were times when the dialogue could've been tightened up a bit, but that's a minor complaint. Truly, the film zipped by and kept me laughing.
The cast is uniformly good, particularly Shepherd, who appears to be having a ball with his part. And I'll be damned if he doesn't look like Harvey Keitel's younger brother! (Also, on a personal side note, I thought Suzanne Pringle, who plays Holly, was adorable! And now I have a little crush on her...)
Anyway, The Muffin Man is a completely satisfying little snack, and goes great with a six-pack of Labatt (it was a Canadian production, and so I figured a Canadian beer would be apropos). It's dumb, but when I say dumb, I mean it in a good way. I've always believed that it takes a lot of smarts to make good "dumb," and after perusing their myspace page, and looking over the movies they are inspired by (Transylvania 6-5000, Howard the Duck, UHF - oh hell yeah!) I have a feeling they know exactly what I mean.
So yeah, screw it. I guess I don't know any better. I'm just a big dummy who laughed his dumb butt off while watching a dumb movie about a satanic killer with a big dumb muffin for a head. I should be ashamed of myself...
Whatever. I'll talk to you later, you elitist film snob wankers. I'm heading to Krispy Kreme to get me a dozen, and then I'm gonna watch me some Killer Tomatoes movies! You can take your hoity-toity Criterion Collection and stick it up yer bum!
(Ryan Lies is a staffwriter for No-Fi "Magazine" and sure knows Muffin, man.)
SNAKES ON A PLANE
Starring Samuel L Jackson, Julianna Margulies, Kenan Thompson, David Koechner
Directed by David R. Ellis, 
, 2006
Distributed by New Line Cinema
DVD Reviewed by Ryan Lies
Like every other movie-geek, I was curious to see Snakes on a Plane. Pretty much because of the "we'll-tell-ya-the-whole-plot-in-the-title" moniker. Why wouldn't an acknowledged horror aficionado like myself pay money to see a movie with a title straight out of 1950's Atom-Age Horror Cinema? I didn't get involved in any of the ubiquitous online chatter about the flick because, well, frankly, I have better things to do with my time than debate and philosophize about movies I haven't even seen yet.
Supposedly there was a tsunami of hype surrounding this movie, it's ridiculous title slithering its way into the lexicon of late-night comedians and Time reporters ("Snakes on a ____" became as hip to bandy about as "Die Hard on a ______" was a few years ago.) Showings of the trailer were greeted with whoops and howls. And I'm sure the snakes had their own damn myspace page.
Either way, it seems that America (perhaps the world) was only caught up in some type of "following-the-crowd" hysteria, because apparently no one actually went and saw the movie. It made about 15 million bucks at the box-office (it was budgeted at about 30 million, I believe.) Rest assured, it'll recoup its losses on DVD, but still. Seems most folks just wanted to be a part of the joke, snigger at the title, but when it came time to slap down $156 dollars for a ticket on a Friday night, most people chose to go with Will Ferrell, or animated barnyard animals. "Do you think anyone's actually going to see that snake movie, honey?"
Either way, what it all comes down to eventually is the movie itself. Whether anyone's gonna see it or not, it's still going to exist; it's still going play on a screen somewhere. And it is within those arenas where the guilty and the innocent are judged, based on the only evidence present: is it worth sitting and watching it?
Sure, I guess. Honestly, I wasn't all that taken with it, but I had several friends that were. So, like all matters in life, snakes killing people on an airplane is an exercise in subjectivity. I had a good time, laughed a bit, rolled my eyes a lot, but ultimately left the theater thinking that I would probably never watch it again.
The plot is B-movie simple: A Hawaiian drug-lord smuggles a bunch of poisonous snakes onto an airplane to take out a young man who's going to testify against him. The bad guys spray pheromones on the leis that all the passengers are going to wear, and so once the snakes escape, they go nuts, biting and eating everyone in sight.
The snake attacks are fun, beginning with a couple of brainless horndogs in the lavatory (Jason Voorhees would be proud, as these kids smoke pot and DON'T use a condom). Mayhem breaks loose. Every breed of lethal snake slithers about, just as the plane (of course) enters a storm. Shaky-cameras and low-lights are employed.
But really, after about ten minutes of snake action, the movie stalls and I was sitting there getting impatient. I began whispering to my brother, who was sitting next to me, "There should be a sequel called Bugs on a Boat," and he would reply "Kangaroos on a Kayak," and we did that back and forth to pass the time for quite awhile.
In these types of movies, I expect the ridiculous. I don't want logic to get in the way of a good time. Which is why watching Vin Diesel outrun an avalanche on a snowboard in XXX was fun; why zombie-mummy-monkeys in The Mummy Returns was fun. I didn't get any of that here. I wanted mutant snakes with wings, or for someone to wrestle a snake, punch their fist down its throat Ichi The Killer style and make a witty remark. Nope. Nothing.
And therein, I think, lies my problem with the movie as a whole: it almost takes itself too serious. Or, what I should say is that it takes its job as a cheesy fun B-movie way too seriously, and thus sucks all the potential fun out of it. You can try, filmmakers of the world, as hard as you want, but you just can't manufacture good cheese. You can't draw attention to yourself so much, advertising your goods with gimmicky titles and outrageous trailers, and then expect your audience to just "buy it." It has to happen naturally, as far as I'm concerned (which is why, as fun as it was at times, The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra didn't entirely work.)
I'm such a fanatic about hopelessly bad B-movies, that maybe I've gotten picky. Maybe I should've had a few beers beforehand. Maybe I just should've waited for the DVD. I don't know. I just didn't think Snakes on a Plane delivered all the goods it should have. Partly, I lay fault with the screenwriters, who didn't seem to have any tricks up their sleeves. It's as if they coasted on the giggle-factor of their working-title-cum-selling-point, and just figured that would be enough to carry the movie. There's a couple of gory killings, and moments of laugh-out-loud preposterousness, but there's absolutely no witty dialogue, and the characters are so sub-cliche' that they don't even qualify as cardboard cutouts. Sorry, but even a pro like Samuel Jackson can't save limp dialogue.
All that bitching aside, I won't say I didn't have a decently amusing time with this flick. I've seen worse. And having friends with me to sling the MST3K barbs at the screen was a definite plus (funny how company can elevate an otherwise middling movie-watching experience; there's no way, for instance, I would've gotten through the execrable mondo flick Brutes and Savages without my pal Melanie's commiseration.)
Screw it. Whatever. It's Snakes on a Plane. I knew going into I wasn't going to get anything as good as, say, The 6th Day or Turkey Shoot, so I really shouldn't complain. I long ago gave up anything remotely resembling a B-movie that makes it to the big screen these days. The last good movie of this type was Renny Harlin's Deep Blue Sea. The makers of Sea knew they had a ridiculous premise, and they ran with it; the makers of Snakes knew they had a ridiculous premise, and they figured that was enough.
I will say this, though: as far as "newer" killer-snake movies are concerned, I enjoyed Snakes a hell of a lot more than I did Anaconda. And while I'm at it, as far as scary-shit-on-an-airplane movies go, I thought Snakes was air-miles better than Wes Craven's pointless Red Eye.
(Ryan Lies is a staffwriter for No-Fi "Magazine" and hid word "cum" in this review.)
