 8. The least desirable, but most accessible road trip restroom is the in-vehicle receptacle. While I myself have not had to resort to the use of the empty Gatorade bottle or Burger King cup, many of my friends and family members swear by it. I have some concerns about odor and spillage, but I am told in-vehicle urination is safe and convenient. |
|
7. Another readily available road trip toilet is the roadside nature pit stop. For millions of years our ancestors scattered their leavings all over the great outdoors. Odds are that someone once pinched a loaf in the very spot you  are sitting while you read these words. Anywhere you stop your car can be a place to do your business. Of course, this can be difficult for those who are shy and there can be logistical concerns for squatting, leaning, sitting, aiming, wiping etc. Remember, in the winter, it is customary to write your name in roadside snow banks when using the roadside nature pit stop. It is advisable to drive with some toilet paper, just in case. |
|
6. As society developed someone decided to deter folks from using the roadside nature pit stop by taxing the common man in order to construct a system of highway restroom rest stops. While a rest stop might be a step up from the nature pit stop, the facilities leave much to be desired. Rest stop  restrooms reek like fecal smorgasbords. Few rest stops are heated or air conditioned, which means you might be planting your ass on sub-freezing porcelain (or metal) seats or sweating in the one-hundred degree stink of the trucker sitting next to you while swatting at flies. If you are lucky enough to stumble across toilet paper it will typically have splinters. Really the only upside to the rest stop restrooms are the glory-holes.* Be careful, some rest stops only offer worthless picnic tables and no restrooms. If you accidentally pull off the highway to use the restroom at a picnic only rest stop, it is customary to shit on a picnic table. |
|
5. Gas Station toilets can range in quality. The worst are at least as bad as the worst rest stop restrooms. The best can be as good as a fast food restaurant's facilities. Usually, gas station restrooms are heated or air  conditioned and that can make all the difference in the world when you need it. Of course, the fuel-station restroom's convenience makes it a popular place. You can frequently expect to find a line of fellow bladder burdened travelers waiting to use the toilet or worse: an "out-of-order"ù sign. The toilet paper will frequently be trapped up inside a locked plastic box where you cannot access it. If there is any soap it will be like dry laundry detergent. Most likely, you are going to have to use one of those ridiculous warm air blowers to dry your hands. I usually cannot spare ten minutes to dry my hands, and opt for the shirt-dry. |
 4. Fast Food establishment restrooms inch out Gas station restrooms only because they generally have liquid soap in the dispensers. Fast food restaurants will not have the prophylactics dispensers found in gas station restrooms. Also, you are less likely to come upon a line before entrance. Many people don't believe it to be proper to shit where they eat. |
|
3. If you are lucky enough to arrive at a small town for your restroom stop and you  have a little spare time on your itinerary, you might be able to take advantage of the restrooms at a bar or restaurant. Restaurant restrooms are generally clean and comfortable. Most establishments take care to keep the rooms smelling clean and fresh as not to turn patrons' stomachs away from their menus. There is a fifty-fifty chance they will have paper towels rather than hand blowers. And at this level of road trip restrooms, you will start to discover toilet paper with the consistency of newsprint. Regularly, restaurants will have laser sensors to take care of the laborious tasks of flushing the toilet or starting the faucet at the sink. Upper scale restaurants can compare with hotel restrooms. |
|
2. I take great strides to pass over all the before mentioned bathroom options. With a little care and consideration I can plan my restroom needs to coincide with my arrival to a populated city. There, I can find one of the greatest places to expel my bowels: a hotel restroom. Hotels are designed with my  road trip restroom needs in mind. Anyone can park very close to the front of a hotel lobby. As long as you walk into the establishment with purpose, you can find the restroom around a corner with little or no effort. What you are looking for is a hotel and not a motel, mind you. Most motels do not have restrooms near their check-in desks. A hotel will have a real lobby and a staff wearing suits. A hotel restroom is blindingly clean. There will undoubtedly be at least one luxurious handi-capable stall where you can really let it all hang out. The toilet paper in a hotel is at least as nice as what you are using to wipe fecal debris from your anus at home. And the toilet will be large, warm (without being awkwardly warm) and pristinely clean. Pooping in a hotel is like squirting a turd into the divine mouth of an angel. Some hotels will have cloth hand towels, hair combs, flavored condoms, and mints. |
|
1. There are hotels and there are hotels. At the finest hotels, you will find the premium road trip rest rooms. I hesitate to even use the word "restroom" in describing this immaculate shitting experience. First, little can compare to having someone park your car for you while you take a dump. Valet  parking is the first tip off for a great lavatory. Bellhops wearing embarrassing hats are also a good indicator. If you have never used the restroom at an upscale hotel, allow me to prepare you for the pleasure. Don't accidentally step into the restaurant toilet at a five-star hotel, the room will be comparable to the restroom at any other hotel. You will usually find the entrance to the real restroom past any bars or restaurants the hotel may offer. The door is usually heavy and oversized and the sign for the room will be on the wall next to the door rather than on the door itself. The room will sparkle and glimmer with newly polished amenities. Don't be alarmed when you open the stall to find a smiling uniformed immigrant rather than a toilet. Just go about your business as you normally would. Lean back against his or her chest and they will catch your leavings in the silk gloves of his or her cupped hands. The experience is simply sublime. Your skilled attendant will adeptly polish your genitals, taint, and anus. You will be offered a menu offering various perfume options for your genitalia. Brace yourself for the insertion of the anal mint. It is customary to wave goodbye to your attendant before closing the stall. Then he or she will wrap your excrement in a handkerchief and put it inside his or her coat. There is really nothing noteworthy about the sinks in a fine hotel's restroom. |
