no-fi "magazine" presents
by Erin Gaia
You're nobody until somebody loves you. Somebody with the tenacity required to sit outside your house with binoculars. Somebody to remind the neighbors that you are obviously impossibly cool. "Is that her bodyguard?" People will ask. "No, it's her stalker." I mean think about it; a man in a trench coat shadowing your every move from a block away is the ultimate hipster accessory. Unlike a pair of lame' leggings from American Apparel or a subtle owl tattoo, a stalker not only implies but screams "She is worth obsessing over!"
I can't tell you how much having a stalker has changed my life. Suddenly I have something my average looks and abrasive personality could never deliver. Ten thousand friends who all want to be at my apartment all the time. Maybe it's that all the whispering of ever changing code words into the intercom makes them feel like they're walking into a speakeasy. Or it could be due to the very real possibility of the night's entertainment including a guy in the front yard wearing blue blockers and holding up a boom box.
Obviously the way to go about this is by being incredibly special and important. Neither of which applies to you or you would have a stalker already now, wouldn't you? Never fear. I bring you myspace. You know Tom invented that shit because his bland personality and extensive collection of white Hanes T-shirts weren't exactly garnering admirers. Just post some black and white pictures of yourself leaning up against a fire escape smoking a cigarette and name drop a bunch of bands nobody has ever heard of before starting with the word "The" and you will accrue friend requests (AKA potential stalkers) like crazy. Once your better looking friends start posting comments detailing the what and where of each incredible and awesome event you plan to attend at least one weirdo is guaranteed to show up. Congratulations! You are now ready to grow your stalker.
that is worthy of his love, for which you will of course be eternally grateful. Basically you need to present yourself as a beautiful disaster. Write a blog post about how your gums taste like pennies so it must be time for another drink or start wearing T-shirts that say "I am donating my body to necrophilia." You don't even have to be very convincing because stalkers are notoriously stupid. I mean John Hinckley Jr. spent five years trying to save fucking Jodi Foster from life as a 12 year old prostitute. These people do not exactly have a firm grasp on reality here.
myspace pages in a lame effort to be closer to you, this aggressive stalker will actually attempt to befriend them. This is when your stalker crosses the line from freakishly amusing diversion to popularity assassin. Once the stalker has the audacity to attempt penetration of the group ("We totally have to do this again! How about next Saturday, guys?") they will realize that having you around is just not worth it. Besides several of them have their own stalkers at this point. Respectful stalkers who stay in the background, worshiping from afar. You must avoid the overconfident stalker at all costs. Yes the guy with the popped collar waving glow sticks around like it was 1995 looks like the perfect loser for the job, but buyer beware! He clearly lacks the level of shame required to keep his distance.
You will thank me for this. The only thing I can think of that even approaches the level of awesomeness of your very own stalker is having, I don't know, a flock of messenger pigeons. And let's be honest. A messenger pigeon is probably going to get sick of you eventually. Basically, you need a stalker. You deserve a stalker. Brad Pitt has a stalker. Fuck, even Hilary Duff has a stalker. Even that retarded kid that played Corky on Life Goes on had a stalker and that kid was fucking retarded. I do not need to convince you to get a stalker. That is not what I'm here for. I am however here to remind you of every short coming you have ever had--so why limit yourself to the fact that you're a complete and total social faux pas because you're too lame to acquire a fucking stalker.
