Waking up with a throbbing hang over is all bunnies and cupcakes compared to waking up next to a hideous creature you probably let tie you up to the bed last night. If it's not in your nature to scream bloody murder and throw him out sans clothes, here's a recipe sure to get him out and keep him away.
Ingredients:
2 tablespoons butter
6 large eggs
1/4 cup finely chopped green bell pepper
1/3 cup finely chopped onion
3/4 cup milk
3/4 cup chopped cooked ham
3/4 teaspoon salt
dash pepper
1/4 cup hot sauce
ketchup
vodka, a one liter bottle should suffice
two slices of bread
Preparation:
1. Take a shot of vodka, no need for a shot glass, just swig from the bottle.
2. In a skillet melt the butter. While butter melts, break the eggs into a medium size mixing bowl, leave chunks of eggshell. You want to make sure they are noticeable, so be careful to leave them intact. Now add ketchup.
3. Beat the eggs gently and whisk in remaining ingredients. If you have any spoiled milk, use it. Remember that you will not be eating this. If he is a vegetarian, make sure to add some ground chuck to this as well, the meatier the better.
4. Swig more vodka.
5. Pour mixture into hot skillet. Let stand in the pan till the edges start to curl away from the pan.
6. Douse the omelet with the hot sauce. You want the yellow of the eggs to become light pink in color. Feel free to use more.
7. Swig another shot of vodka.
8. Look at the omelet. Does it wiggle a lot? Are the eggs still a translucent color? Yes? That means it is not completely cooked and the chances of salmonella are still good. Remove the pan immediately from heat.
9. Fold the omelet in half with a wide spatula. Stick it in the refrigerator.
10. Toast the bread on the highest setting on your toaster or toaster oven. If it is not charred and black, stick it back in there.
11. Remove the omelet from the refrigerator and plate with toast.
12. Serve while swigging more vodka.
You should be well on your way to a creature-less apartment at this point once he has either choked on the hot sauce or cut the inside of his mouth on eggshells. If he finds your cooking charming, well, then you're on your own.
Thanks for reading!
(Elana Bean is a staff writer for No-Fi "Magazine"
and knows that green pepper, like regret, goes with everything)
e-mail no-fi "magazine"
