ye olde no-fi "magazine" presents
by Chris Beyond, 2007
We all know about the Declaration of Independence and have all seen all those names underneath the fancy-pants text, but do you know who they all are? No, of course not. Well to celebrate our issue of Independence, I've looked up the 14 most interesting people besides the more famous people and much more interesting we all know and am presenting my research to you now.
Francis Lightfoot Lee (Virginia) 1734-1797
This lovable pedophile (he married a 16 year old while in his thirties) prefered to go by Frank and in certain circumstances "Uncle Frank." One of Frank's nieces described him as the "Sweetest of all the Lee race" which was later found to be said while under the effects of an early version of roofies. He and fellow co-signer (and brother) Richard Henry eventually went out on a mad killing spree and soon invented "rap music" which can sometimes be heard on radio stations that speciallize in 18th century vinyl. This is where the phrase "dig it right down" came from.
Charles Carroll of Carrollton (Maryland) 1737-1832
Known to all the other declaration signers as "the queen of the bunch", Charles Carroll went on to be the last survivor of all the others who signed with him. This, of course, led him to win a million dollars which he quickly spent on candy and cases of brine shrimp which he later dubbed to be "sea monkeys." When he died, his body was shot into Lake Baltimore from a cannon where we would join his beloved sea monkeys forever. He will always be remembered for predicting that the revolutionary war would eventually end someday.
Thomas Nelson Jr. (Virginia) 1738-1789
Thom and his pals would whoop it up at the Raleigh Tavern and talk about bands that they thought would become important one day like Thy White Stripes and Thy Vines. He was the creator of the Virginia Militia and declared himself to be Jesus Christ to which most people said, "Ok, whatever Jesus McGee." Eventually he turned up in a couple I Dream Of Jeanie reunion specials, but most critics agreed that it just wasn't the same.
William Whipple (New Hampshire) 1730-1785
William Whipple was born in Kittery Maine. Man, that almost says it all right there. Well this seagoing matey roamed the countryside with his friends Tommy and Pippi. They had a monkey named Mr. Jibbles, but he disappeared mysteriously in a strange monkey-eating accident. They all had great monkeyless adventures together. Eventually after flying in Pippi's fantabulous fantastical moto-flyboat, they were all sitting around the fire they made in some guys house and Will turned to Pippi and said, "I'm all growned up now. I'm going to join the patriot movement." So he did and the rest is history (history itself was one of his own inventions). Pippi later died of smallpox.
John Witherspoon (New Jersey) 1723-1794
Very little is known about John Witherspoon except that he is actress Reese Witherspoon's grandpappy. He didn't get to know her for very long as he died when she was very young. Although Reese rarely talks about him, her family often reminises about how he would bounce her on his knee while sipping brandy by the fire and snorting cocaine. He was killed in an inn when the lights suddenly went out, but many of his countrymen found his ending to be a cop-out.
Caesar Rodney (Delaware) 1728-1784
Rodney was the signer famous for calling himself Caesar and then becoming President of Delaware for 3 years. He also had a cancerous growth on his face. Because of this a lot of people called him Cancer Face behind his back (which many people suspected to be cancerous as well). Why didn't they call him that to his face? Well the scary thing was that often the growth would yell back at them.
James Smith (Pennsylvania) 1719-1806
James Smith was born in Ireland and rarely touched the devil's alcohol. He did spent a lot of time surveying. Surveying over here, Surveying over there... Surveying through the windows of his neighbors daughter's and wives rooms. We can only guess about what he did with this special surveying information, because a mysterious insurance fire destroyed his office and all of his papers and dirty drawings. Not too long after that he died. He is always forever known as the signer of the declaration with the most generic and boring name.
Elbridge Gerry (Massachusetts) 1744-1814
Elbridge attended the Constitutional Convention, but didn't quite shine to the Federal Constitution and just said, "NOOOOO!" to signing it. This is why he is known as the royal bitch of the declaration. He also redistricted Massachusetts to help out the Democratic-Republican party. Yes that was the real name of the party back then. The Royal Bitch Democratic-Republican party. People called this action of his Gerrymandering which really did make him cry in his office when he was alone. Whenever somebody came to the door he would try to cover it up by saying his eyes were sweating because of the Massachusetts heat.
William Ellery (Rhode Island) 1727-1820
William was the odd-jobsman of the Declaration pack. In fact it is said that when he signed the Declaration, he thought he was filling out an application. Many signers claimed that after breaking for lunch they got to ye olde fridge only to find that their lunches had been stolen. William was found nearby sleeping under a tree with a cartoonish big belly and several empty revolutionary themed lunchboxes. Eventually he became a strong advocate of abolishing slavery. In the future writers would have trouble writing anything funny about that fact.
Lewis Morris (New York) 1726-1798
Morris was most famous for signing the declaration, but he did lead an interesting homelife. After losing his farm in a fire, he was adopted by two scrappy and adorable African-American kids who took pity on him. Sure he'd get into trouble and into the random mis-adventure here and there, but if he ever got caught he would look at the kids and in the most adorable way say, "But I din't do it!" Everything was great for years until they brought in a much older and red headed old timer and everyone they knew just lost interest in their antics.
Button Gwinnett (Georgia) 1735-1777
Button Gwinnett had faced the revolutionary war and certain death at the hands of the British. But nothing he ever faced in his turbulent life was as bad as his rivalry with ol' Lachlan McIntosh. No matter what he did to try too further himself in life, Lachlan McIntosh was there. When he wanted an appointment in the Georgia militia, Lachlan McIntosh swung in on a rope and took it right under his nose. When he tried to invade Florida, Lachlan McIntosh was already there with oversized sunglasses and a loud pair of swimming trunks. In fact the only time that Button was able to foil Lachlan McIntosh was on his way to the signing of the declaration. Lachlan McIntosh would have been there first, but Button had painted a large rock to look like a tunnel and Lachlan McIntosh ran into it head on. After signing the declaration, he looked back to see Lachlan McIntosh with a pair of comely lasses sharing a Samuel Adams. ...The actual Samuel Adams. While running for governer he was challenged one last time by his nemesis Lachlan McIntosh and it was decided that the only way to end this was with a duel. Alas Lachlan McIntosh played lots of silly tricks and pranks on Button like dressing like a woman during the match to distract him and yelling out insults in Japanese. Bewildered, Button was wounded during the duel and had to be hospitalized. After three days, things started to look up until Button discovered that Lachlan McIntosh had won big money in a staring contest. Wounded and ashamed, Button Gwinnet died. The key note speaker and air guitar player at his funeral was Lachlan McIntosh who boasted about how great he was and that Button wouldn't have died if he had just learned to "party like it's 1799". One year later Lachlan McIntosh was the first man to fly to the moon where he peed his name into the soft moondust covered moon valley.
Lachlan McIntosh totally rules.
Joseph Hewes (North Carolina) 1730-1971
By the time Joseph Hewes had signed the Declaration of Independence, he was already a wealthy and bored man. He had been a part of the Committee of Correspondence, the Provincial Legislature, and the Continental Congress. After a while with lots of money and very little left to entertain him, he resorted to paying men to kick small children. Still it was not enough for a man who has seen it all and done it all. Eventually he started to take trips overseas to pay to torture sea turtles and after that he would pay himself to remove his own toe and fingernails. He died at age 50 in the Vietnam war during a surfing accident.
Thomas Heyward Jr. (South Carolina) 1746-1809
Thomas Heyward Jr had spent a lot of time in prison which led to an interesting array of prison tattoos including one in a very private area that said "Don't Tread On Me." After serving his sentence he swore to kill every British man, woman, and child in the world, which he did. This is why we no longer speak of England. He is also known for starting the teen magazine "Tiger Beat Almanac."
William Williams (Connecticut) 1731-1811
William WIlliams not only hoarded names, but he also hoarded jobs, holding several positions in several companies and in the government at once all throughout his life. Eventually it was decided that Mr. William Williams was taking too many jobs away from other Americans (by this time he had 28 percent of the new world's jobs) and was forced to write apology letters to every citizen of the colonies. At the declaration he was voted the most "hotty" signer. At some point in his life, he died.
So hopefully you now feel a little wiser and perhaps understand a little bit more about our country and some of the men who helped create it. To learn more about these pillars of the nation, just open your history books. If they don't have the exact information that you read here, better keep trying until you find some that do. I can't babysit you every step of the way.
Cue patriotic music here...
I recommend "Everybody's Working For The Weekend" by LOVERBOY.
In the end our country is very rich in history and a very complex place. Can you say that you would have had the same courage to seriously sign your name to a scrap of paper declaring independence from your government? I'm not just talking about a cocktail napkin in some bar at 1:50am. Without people like these men here, we may have had to face the indignity of England's universal healthcare system and high taxes on tea. Well,...I'm sure something bad would have come to it. Although I take one or two liberties in telling you about the lives of these people,....actually just two liberties,...I really do have the highest respect for these people. Certainly more than certain leaders of our country since...
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
George W. Bush, Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000
(Chris Beyond is the creator of No-Fi "Magazine" and his
history teacher in high school was known for looking up the ladies skirts)
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